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I don't know if you've heard of the Happiness Project/blog from Gretchen Rubin, but I just realized why I feel irked whenever I read or think about it. I don't want to make happiness a project. I don't want to work at it. I think it would be good for me if I did, but I find the idea of using metrics or charts or goals to 'get better at being happy' just... UGH.
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I have no idea what that subject line means...

Anyway hi.

Been gone a long time, I know. I stopped updating because things kept changing so much and so often, I didn't want to put anyone through the wringer that I was going through too. Things have stabilized a bit. Actually, things are pretty good right now. Jon and I are still separated but he's been spending the night all weekend for the last three weekends, and he'll be here for the full three day weekend! It's good times, but who knew it would be two years before things would start normalizing...

I've been keeping a paper journal for a few weeks and it feels pretty good but I'm hoping to pick up this digital one again, soon.

Hope everyone is well. <3

Here's where you can find me elsewhere, if I'm not here: - Facebook too (other profile got frozen when my gmail was hacked, guh)

coming soon
and a few others.
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Wow, I didn't realize it had been so long since I updated last! I know that I was holding off for a long time because life was changing too much every day. I could hardly keep up and didn't except anyone else to be able to either lol

To sum up:

I'm working on really solidifying my online business, Sand & Silk Designs. I'm planning for a grand opening by the end of the month and have some really great things to unveil. I've finally learned that the less I share things when they're in the 'seedling' stage, the more enthusiastic I STAY about them.

I have my graphics completed, domain purchased, blog/site being built, products being conceptualized and made, marketing materials ordered, tools and materials purchased. It's all going pretty smoothly and it's mildly terrifying. ;)

I have some news on the relationship front but I'm not ready to share that yet because I'm enjoying the quiet and secrecy. And I've put you all through a lot with the ups and downs, so I prefer to wait until things are a more steady. It's the least I can do. <3

C was sick for about two weeks so that put me behind schedule on a lot of things so I'm just continuing to regroup and reorganize my life, my belongings, and my plans.

I hope you are all well and I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up. You are often in my thoughts, though, and I wish you love.
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I was just reading a post from Havi Brooks and it's about her working with her fears. Not confronting them, not berating them, not hiding from them, but rather negotiating with them. BRILLIANT.

I don't know what my fears are, what they look or sound like, or what they mean. I feel like I don't know myself at all. I think know that I am hiding from my true self because I don't think I'll like what I'll see there.

In the last 10 months, during some of the fights with the husband, he has said some things that were brutal. Some were true, most were not, but the ones that I know are true about me were very saddening. I don't like me. I don't like the person I have become.

I don't know who I'm trying to impress but I really don't think it's working. I spread myself too thin and every takes a hit.

It's time to regroup, reprioritize, and get off my lazy ass.

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...or just post about it in your (mostly) anonymous blog!

The husband texted me Sunday night, after I'd spent half of Saturday and all of Sunday worrying/wondering if he was even ALIVE. No apologies until I said that I'd been worried. No explanations. No volunteering any information. Nothing.

So I'm not speaking to him. Maybe tonight or tomorrow I'll explain why I'm upset (because he seriously doesn't get how his actions effect other people; one of the ways he's so emotionally child-like) but maybe not.

Today, I'm reading a bunch of Havi Brook's blog and I am IN LOVE with this woman's words.

Right now, I'm in the middle of her International Borekas and Repression Day. I'm sad for her loss, but I love the idea of taking a reprieve from whatever tension/stress/depression that muddles up our day all the time. I think I'll take my IBR Day today.

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Funny how the 140 character limit can inspire thought that go way beyond that.

I started this train of thought on Plurk this evening, please forgive me as I copy/paste some of it here.

ArtemisOrange knows that she doesn't need to be the only one on the planet who takes care of her husband emotionally and psychologically, knows that he is probably (subconsciously) using it as a manipulative tactic, but it's also a genuine problem. He retreats and loses friends and then retreats some more, and when he peeks his head out, there isn't anyone around to help him get back to the surface may be the only one, and it may be exhausting and depressing and almost too-much to handle, but I'm also not going to be the one who leaves him out in the cold. I go, and he really has no one left that can really be there for him. He has a crazy sister who is even worse off than he is, and a grandfather who means well but is rather oblivious. Anyone else, he's pushed out and away from his true self.

ArtemisOrange wonders how the hell she's supposed to make it work better.

This week, Jon has been showing suicidal trends again, this time, with more intensity. No, he isn't coming out and saying "I'm going to kill myself." That usually doesn't create a cause for worry. But when the person suddenly decides they are going to throw out/sell/give away almost all of their earthly possessions, makes statements like 'no one needs me, my children don't need me, soon they'll forget about me,' it tends to make one paranoid about their intentions.

I've asked his grandfather, whom he lives with, and our friend Devin to keep visual and virtual tabs on him so at least I'm not the only one bearing this.

It worries me that Jon is going to be home alone all weekend while his granddad is out camping.

But I can't even type anymore because I'm so exhausted and spread too thin.

Because no one will save ME from the black sludge in MY head. I just have to watch out for him. I'm the last one who can.
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I checked my email after writing the previous entry and read:

Act with faith, Amy. Prepare the way for your inevitable success. To the degree you can, behave as if your dreams have already come true, as if you already owned a profitable business, as if later today you were going to accomplish what you set out to do today. And you shall see the power you wield as the floodgates begin to tremble, the elements begin to conspire, people in your life begin to change, insights are summoned, comprehensions soar, and clarity is born.


Not to mention fierce, wild animals laying down when you pass by -
    The Universe

Pretending is so powerful, Amy. Look how far it's already taken you.

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The last week (few days?) have been really interesting for me. And by "really interesting," I kind of mean "mildly irritating."

Let's begin:

Three months ago, I found the Someday Syndrome blog via via via, and was really impressed. I also learned that he was offering a 'choose your own price' for his workshop/life coaching. How cool! I'm poor but I could have actually gotten some really helpful advice! But I put it off, was going to buy it when I got my tax return (blew it all on meaningless fluff, really), and then forgot about it for a month. Then I started following him on Twitter, saw him mention a discount coming in May, and realized I'd missed my window. Now I'll likely NEVER be able to afford it which is a real shame. Because, as we can see, I am really skilled at "Someday."

One month ago, I learned about the Editor and Columnist positions at Handmade News. At the time, they were taking suggestions for departments as well. I got the idea for a "trend" department, following the worlds of fashion, jewelry, interior design, etc. And of course I'd be the editor! But I didn't apply, I told other people about it, but I didn't apply. I told [personal profile] habibiti about it, she applied, but I didn't. She's Batty, applied AND got a columnist position, but damnit I didn't apply! FINALLY, she sends me a DM on Twitter that she's heard the "Greenwise" department is hiring. So a full day later, I manage to polish my resume and pick a writing sample from my Green Plan(t) blog.

No word yet, but I probably won't get it because I waited so damned long. And btw, it's a paying writing gig, only one of my biggest dreams.

Yesterday, one of the patrons of Knit Las Vegas, who regularly sets up merchandise of hers (why she gets such a primo spot in the store, I have no idea) brought in an enormous (and vaguely awesome) knitting bag. Which, as it turns out, she's selling now. Inside, I see a reinforced (I think) area for holding patterns/magazines, and two smaller pockets "for any little things." FUNNY how those two things were features I had described to another patron that I was going to put in the bags _I_ was going to make for the store. FUNNY how it was just two weeks ago. FUNNY how the woman making the bags described a 'the-owner-suggested-needle-rolls-but-I-didn't-want-to' scenario when _I_ am going to make needle rolls for the store. Not saying anything, just saying.

Okay, Universe, I get it. Get off my lazy ass and do it NOW before I see more of my unique ideas out there with someone else's name on them.
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I know I said I would post here more often, and then promptly disappeared for a week, but I have a good excuse! The kids and I have all been sick for a little over a week. It wasn't anything serious, just a cold/allergies with a mild cough, although it's been enough to make mommy a waste of flesh most of the day.

I've really been struggling with feelings of inadequacy for months, and lately it's coming to a head, I guess. I feel fairly paralyzed by it all. Well, that and an ugly, inky depression.

Every day, I am inspired and intimdated by people like Leo Babatua from Zen Habits, [personal profile] missviolet from Lime & Violet, especially, but also Blogger Dad, Writer Dad, and my friend Dani from Danidocrafty. I see them accomplish so much, every day it seems, and I look at my to-do list with items from four months ago still uncompleted.

I guess it's just an ego thing for me. Why can't I do that?

My left brain is being completely reasonable about the whole thing.
know they don't have my life, raising two very young children while coping with an absent husband with emotional problems, no job, little income, depression, and more.
know they have different experiences and education that may help what they do.
know they work differently than I do.
know they have different motivations/ambitions.

But every night I go to bed dismally aware of how very little I've accomplished that day. I try to be reasonable and not put more than 3 or 4 Must Do's (MIT's from Zen Habits) on my daily lists, yet somehow I don't even manage that most days, sometimes even ending up in the negative on my to do list (trust me, it's possible).

I just find myself so deeply disatissfied with my life right now. I don't want to be who I am or where I am. It makes me very sad to say that considering I have two wonderful children (but don't we all say that) who are consistently amazing and sweet. Of course, acknowledging those two facts really doesn't help the situation because then I feel extremely ungrateful for what I do have.

It's a bit mind-boggling how little I can get done in one day, especially when you consider how many hours I have available to me. I wake up between 5 and 6 and don't go to bed until 9 or 10, usually. That gives plenty of time to get just a little something done. Yet day after day, little to nothing. I feel immobilized by my fear of being inadequate. Perhaps I don't even try because either a) I likely won't be able to finish my task or b) it won't be good enough and I'll have to redo it.

I'm not trying to be perfect, I don't want to be Super Woman or Wonder Woman. I just want to be a Woman I am proud to be.

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I don't think words can properly express how relieved I am to be here with a new beginning. Things have been extremely rough for the past nine months and I have withheld a lot from my Livejournal friends because I don't want to be a constantly gloomy person. That isn't to say that I intend to be completely "emo" and winging daily. I just want a no-strings-attached relationship with this journal and with all of you, as you come.

Let's move on from the undesirable and embrace the surprising future.
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