artemis_rising

I have no idea what that subject line means...

Anyway hi.

Been gone a long time, I know. I stopped updating because things kept changing so much and so often, I didn't want to put anyone through the wringer that I was going through too. Things have stabilized a bit. Actually, things are pretty good right now. Jon and I are still separated but he's been spending the night all weekend for the last three weekends, and he'll be here for the full three day weekend! It's good times, but who knew it would be two years before things would start normalizing...

I've been keeping a paper journal for a few weeks and it feels pretty good but I'm hoping to pick up this digital one again, soon.

Hope everyone is well. <3

Here's where you can find me elsewhere, if I'm not here:
twitter.com/amyseybrown
plurk.com/dragoneyezed
ravelry.com/person/artemisorange
amyseybrown@gmail.com - Facebook too (other profile got frozen when my gmail was hacked, guh)
themakingroom.com
lustyyarns.com

coming soon
artefactworks.com
raisingsensitivechildren.com
muddypetticoats.com
and a few others.

I was just reading a post from Havi Brooks and it's about her working with her fears. Not confronting them, not berating them, not hiding from them, but rather negotiating with them. BRILLIANT.

I don't know what my fears are, what they look or sound like, or what they mean. I feel like I don't know myself at all. I think know that I am hiding from my true self because I don't think I'll like what I'll see there.

In the last 10 months, during some of the fights with the husband, he has said some things that were brutal. Some were true, most were not, but the ones that I know are true about me were very saddening. I don't like me. I don't like the person I have become.

I don't know who I'm trying to impress but I really don't think it's working. I spread myself too thin and every takes a hit.

It's time to regroup, reprioritize, and get off my lazy ass.

Funny how the 140 character limit can inspire thought that go way beyond that.

I started this train of thought on Plurk this evening, please forgive me as I copy/paste some of it here.


ArtemisOrange knows that she doesn't need to be the only one on the planet who takes care of her husband emotionally and psychologically, knows that he is probably (subconsciously) using it as a manipulative tactic, but it's also a genuine problem. He retreats and loses friends and then retreats some more, and when he peeks his head out, there isn't anyone around to help him get back to the surface may be the only one, and it may be exhausting and depressing and almost too-much to handle, but I'm also not going to be the one who leaves him out in the cold. I go, and he really has no one left that can really be there for him. He has a crazy sister who is even worse off than he is, and a grandfather who means well but is rather oblivious. Anyone else, he's pushed out and away from his true self.

ArtemisOrange wonders how the hell she's supposed to make it work better.

This week, Jon has been showing suicidal trends again, this time, with more intensity. No, he isn't coming out and saying "I'm going to kill myself." That usually doesn't create a cause for worry. But when the person suddenly decides they are going to throw out/sell/give away almost all of their earthly possessions, makes statements like 'no one needs me, my children don't need me, soon they'll forget about me,' it tends to make one paranoid about their intentions.

I've asked his grandfather, whom he lives with, and our friend Devin to keep visual and virtual tabs on him so at least I'm not the only one bearing this.

It worries me that Jon is going to be home alone all weekend while his granddad is out camping.

But I can't even type anymore because I'm so exhausted and spread too thin.

Because no one will save ME from the black sludge in MY head. I just have to watch out for him. I'm the last one who can.

The last week (few days?) have been really interesting for me. And by "really interesting," I kind of mean "mildly irritating."

Let's begin:

Three months ago, I found the Someday Syndrome blog via via via, and was really impressed. I also learned that he was offering a 'choose your own price' for his workshop/life coaching. How cool! I'm poor but I could have actually gotten some really helpful advice! But I put it off, was going to buy it when I got my tax return (blew it all on meaningless fluff, really), and then forgot about it for a month. Then I started following him on Twitter, saw him mention a discount coming in May, and realized I'd missed my window. Now I'll likely NEVER be able to afford it which is a real shame. Because, as we can see, I am really skilled at "Someday."

One month ago, I learned about the Editor and Columnist positions at Handmade News. At the time, they were taking suggestions for departments as well. I got the idea for a "trend" department, following the worlds of fashion, jewelry, interior design, etc. And of course I'd be the editor! But I didn't apply, I told other people about it, but I didn't apply. I told habibiti about it, she applied, but I didn't. She's Batty, applied AND got a columnist position, but damnit I didn't apply! FINALLY, she sends me a DM on Twitter that she's heard the "Greenwise" department is hiring. So a full day later, I manage to polish my resume and pick a writing sample from my Green Plan(t) blog.

No word yet, but I probably won't get it because I waited so damned long. And btw, it's a paying writing gig, only one of my biggest dreams.

Yesterday, one of the patrons of Knit Las Vegas, who regularly sets up merchandise of hers (why she gets such a primo spot in the store, I have no idea) brought in an enormous (and vaguely awesome) knitting bag. Which, as it turns out, she's selling now. Inside, I see a reinforced (I think) area for holding patterns/magazines, and two smaller pockets "for any little things." FUNNY how those two things were features I had described to another patron that I was going to put in the bags _I_ was going to make for the store. FUNNY how it was just two weeks ago. FUNNY how the woman making the bags described a 'the-owner-suggested-needle-rolls-but-I-didn't-want-to' scenario when _I_ am going to make needle rolls for the store. Not saying anything, just saying.




Okay, Universe, I get it. Get off my lazy ass and do it NOW before I see more of my unique ideas out there with someone else's name on them.

I don't think words can properly express how relieved I am to be here with a new beginning. Things have been extremely rough for the past nine months and I have withheld a lot from my Livejournal friends because I don't want to be a constantly gloomy person. That isn't to say that I intend to be completely "emo" and winging daily. I just want a no-strings-attached relationship with this journal and with all of you, as you come.

Let's move on from the undesirable and embrace the surprising future.