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I know I said I would post here more often, and then promptly disappeared for a week, but I have a good excuse! The kids and I have all been sick for a little over a week. It wasn't anything serious, just a cold/allergies with a mild cough, although it's been enough to make mommy a waste of flesh most of the day.

I've really been struggling with feelings of inadequacy for months, and lately it's coming to a head, I guess. I feel fairly paralyzed by it all. Well, that and an ugly, inky depression.

Every day, I am inspired and intimdated by people like Leo Babatua from Zen Habits, [personal profile] missviolet from Lime & Violet, especially, but also Blogger Dad, Writer Dad, and my friend Dani from Danidocrafty. I see them accomplish so much, every day it seems, and I look at my to-do list with items from four months ago still uncompleted.

I guess it's just an ego thing for me. Why can't I do that?

My left brain is being completely reasonable about the whole thing.
know they don't have my life, raising two very young children while coping with an absent husband with emotional problems, no job, little income, depression, and more.
know they have different experiences and education that may help what they do.
know they work differently than I do.
know they have different motivations/ambitions.

But every night I go to bed dismally aware of how very little I've accomplished that day. I try to be reasonable and not put more than 3 or 4 Must Do's (MIT's from Zen Habits) on my daily lists, yet somehow I don't even manage that most days, sometimes even ending up in the negative on my to do list (trust me, it's possible).

I just find myself so deeply disatissfied with my life right now. I don't want to be who I am or where I am. It makes me very sad to say that considering I have two wonderful children (but don't we all say that) who are consistently amazing and sweet. Of course, acknowledging those two facts really doesn't help the situation because then I feel extremely ungrateful for what I do have.

It's a bit mind-boggling how little I can get done in one day, especially when you consider how many hours I have available to me. I wake up between 5 and 6 and don't go to bed until 9 or 10, usually. That gives plenty of time to get just a little something done. Yet day after day, little to nothing. I feel immobilized by my fear of being inadequate. Perhaps I don't even try because either a) I likely won't be able to finish my task or b) it won't be good enough and I'll have to redo it.

I'm not trying to be perfect, I don't want to be Super Woman or Wonder Woman. I just want to be a Woman I am proud to be.

September 2010

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